So I Deleted All My Socials

But you found me anyways.

I thought it would be a great way to clear my mind and my heart of things I am currently going through. Also thought it would be great to focus on writing again and sharing in a different space as I felt myself become more performative than intentional.

I am so proud of the things I have accomplished thus far for myself and through God’s grace, but over time I have been starting to question why I even post my accomplishments in the first place. Yes, a huge part of it is excitement, the beauty of creating content, and just sharing these amazing experiences God has blessed me with. But as time passes, life continues to pick up and even stagnates, I am starting to lose the fact that I am posting for me and the slight possibility of inspiring others.

In the beginning, I felt I had nothing to lose. I did not have anyone to impress and no one’s expectations I had to live up to. But as I started to really live life again after a small setback, I felt like I had to keep living and proving to others I was still alive. When in reality I do not have to prove my worth to anyone.

I noticed that the confidence I gained was slowly depleting and in the depths of my soul, I knew all I wanted was external validation. Regardless, not all of my posting attributed to proving myself to others, but it was more of a biting thought in the back of my mind. And that was when I started to question why I was feeling like this, thinking of what I needed to do to grow, and trying to pinpoint the cause. TMI, but my therapist is well aware and we are going to circle back on our next meeting.

Anyway, so I deleted all my socials in hopes to regroup and to try something new. Plus, it’s always nice to live life again without anyone knowing whether you’re alive or dead. I feel as if this is like my Britney Spears moment without shaving my head in public, y’know? or for my Gen-Zers- crashing out without the actual crash out.

I applaud my younger self and I miss her. She was more mysterious and fun than I, maybe a little less happy.
But I always tell those around me that I may post like an open book, but not everyone can even read between the lines. And not everyone knows the bindings, baby.

Welcome, stay for a bit because I think I will, too.

Xoxo, Pauline